Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Suppressed Feelings

Current Doing: Listening to Usah Lepaskan by Taufik Batisah
Wishing for: Some peace in my mind & heart

I do not know how to start myself. I am feeling more lonely than ever. Although i admit.. Its a neutral feeling. I have always felt lonely. Parents working. I on the other hand.. school, work.. & i rarely talk to them now. Unless we have some family gathering or just a simple dinner. Me & my sis maybe in the same room but we dun rili talk much now.

I told him.. To let me go.. Its not really his fault. I do not know. It sounded petty.. Thats what Shir said as well.. I shall spill my feelings then..
I told him to let me go because.. Lately.. our rship was just.. school,work.. & i wait for him at night.. not cause he told me to.. cause i want to talk to him. I miss him. I care.. & i just want some time with him. Attention for that matter. But.. him.. he's always busy and that he always get tired after work. So it meant that i cant talk to him. He will tell me to go to bed. & this will be an issue. It isnt just once or twice. i tolerated this for quite sometime. & yes. I must understand. I did understand. Understand comes with patience. & my patience was wearing thin. Its like.. I rather not wait for someone knowing i have no one to wait rather than wait coz there is sum1 i am waiting for.. Or to put it,.. I rather have no attention at all than knowing i SHOULD have attention..

I rather be lonely than be left alone.. Coz it hurts.. knowing i have sumone.. but no one at the same time.. I got to know this guy name Azahar. He is really a sweetheart.. But.. I have no serious feelings for him at all. I just cant. No matter how sincere he is. I can't & i don't. Its a different matter.

How much i love taufik.. I cant help myself to follow my mind than my heart. It always come with a price when i follow my head. My emotions. & i just have to keep my emotions intact. I love Taufik for whatever history.

But i know... Our lives.. will never meet again. Never. I am planning to go off to Australia. I hope my parents agrees with me. I need to get away from falling in love..

I need to get away from people i know..
I need to get away from whats life in Sg..
I hate running away.. but..

I have some comlications of myself that i have to handle.
I dun understand myself either..
Please.. God.. I really need peace in me..

I am feeling like I am suffering a big issue although to other ppl's view it isn't. They do not know when they are not the one going it thru NOW be it they HAD or then HAVEN'T.

To Aza..
I am sorry. I just dun think that I'll ever give u a chance to be with me.. No matter what. Ur a great fren to me.. I really suggest u move on and find someone who will really love u back. I am a stubborn slut and if my decision makes me feel more lonely as ever.. I shall be responsible of that myself. Cause i guess i wudnt be here long anyway..

To Taufik..
U didnt reply my last msg.. I understand.. u have e right to feel angry and upset and disappointed. I dunno if ur thinking am like all ur ex. I dunno. I dun care either. Well u see. I dun care about nething nemore. & i just hope u find some happiness in ur life. in ur bike. In ur frens. i dunno. Goodbye my love. My last msg to u..


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