Saturday, June 28, 2008

Late Night.

I know it is late in the morning/night now..

But it's always around this time that I just have to feel in the pits.

To feel it when friends are resting, boyfie's tryna have a peaceful mind.. When family's snoring away... & me? Reminiscing those times when I have someone to talk to when am alone.. to sing to.. to dote on.. to show how much i love.. It's so..... 

different now... Like, an empty hole. & filling that empty hole is my boyfriend but.. its not satisfied yet. Or never will..

It feels different, not to get nauseated at anything. It feels different to be walking properly again.. It feels different that am startin to get vain again.. It feels different to be back in the i am a teen turning to the '-2wenties-' soon from beinh a mature lady that has a lot of things to think about.. It feels different to not have it anymore... 

It gives me a sad feeling. It always attack me the least expected moments. Its weird that people can take it like nothin happened. It's frustrating to discuss about it over & over when they know my reasons. 

It's just stressful that I don't feel like this is me. My body feels like its having lots of complications and I don't feel my old Azwina anymore. I feel like am Azwina whereby being Azwina the way people want and expect me to be. Not what I want to be. 

I have all the worse reasons in the world to be hating my life. But, I find it pretty much.. fed up and tired to be catching up on what they want. Maybe I'm not grateful? But I feel deep down.. my problem is I don't know who i love? I mean put aside my boyfriend. This has nothing to do with him. I just cant explain that phrase. Maybe mom & dad has been working. We only communicate during weekends and in the evening. But am mostly doing my own work. I cant do anything much eventually. 

Am so exhausted. My brain keeps working. & i cant even sleep now. I feel pathetic, inferiored. 

& i kinda notice.. mommy favours lil sis more.. I dunno if its just my imagination.. But .. part of me thinks am slowly gonna fade away from my family.. Part of me now feels different. Like I have a family but its because they're family that I still live under them. & I am just scared...

That slowly i'm gonna start feelin that I just don't belong in them anymore...

& now am feelin so lost.. & hurt.. for something so baseless..


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