Saturday, June 21, 2008

Haunting Nightmare

Feelings of guilt, confusion, pain, anger, hatred, miss - all in one.

Separated I am feeling.

Alienated from the rest of the world.

Misunderstood for my feelings.

Sacrificed something I love for those whom I care.

Broken, bruised, scarred... Is what I am now..

For no one knows what I am going through.

For those who knows aren't in my position.

For those who don't know will think am fine.

For those who don't know what happened thinks I'm fine.

And I find my life pretty much pointless at this stage.

Not empty for I have people by my side, I have studies to finish up.

For i find that my life is just to satisfy others. Or I find life is just to think about others and not really one self. 

For once when I knew, i was happy. In doubt but glad & joyous. For the hardship that i went through was with meaning. 

& now... emptiness.. Easy way out.. 

I can't rely on my bf too much to support me mentally or morally. He don't understand. Or maybe he does. But the feeling of it is... Worlds apart. I can't rely on my girls much for they have their own lives. They helped me.. 

But I chose because of those I care. & is it justifiable? It maybe to some..

To me.. It just left me a permanent scar. Something i'll remember forever. I do not know if i'll forgive. But I know i'll never forget. They care. But part of me thinks I shouldn't have decided on it. But what can i do?

Friends told me to stand. I could. Even they told me what's my choice. But I love them. The dilemma there. Brought me to tears of my decision I couldn't even say it.

Night after night.. I cried.. till I fall asleep. Or I just lay awake after cryin hoping I am not gonna dream of it. I sing, talk, all  night long... Like I'm losing my mind.. 

For I think my sanity is slowly fading.. 

The scar's near. It's so near to my heart.. 

God. Please tell me. How am I to contain this hurt...? When I feel like I'm the only person in this world carrying this feelings? 

Please help me... Someone...



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