Not feeling very happy. Neither sad.
Not feeling neutral.
But am feeling disturbed with a convo i had with Aaron.
We were mainly talking about alternative jobs.
Not prostitution or anything.
Something sleazy yet not demeaning.
Something I find it as in one way dirty money but not pride give away.
Well obviously he objected these stuffs. That I dun mind.
What was disturbing was what he said.. Like..
"Since u won't listen, I won't care.. That's just my nature.."
& the next thing in my mind was..
You love me because of me trying to be perfect..
Or because ur willing to really go thru unexpected things with me?
Like are u even willing to guide me if I suddenly go the wrong way?
Or are you just gonna leave me hanging thinking i SHOULD know ur thoughts?
Its not that am gonna be bad.
Its just that in life, things dun go the way we always want it to.
It makes me feel that ur life was/is too simple & that any mishaps in the middle, any complications ur just gonna run away. That ur gonna run away of the things u DON'T do. But the things that I DID/GONNA DO.
Now I am tearing for no reason. Tearing because of those simple words. I dun think too much. But i analyze words too much. & this is e reason why I told u to choose ur words properly.. I can't help but feel that if anything goes wrong in this rship.. I just feel I am gonna be alone all over again. & that I have no one else to blame but me.
How come I don't see this coming? Somehow.. Ur intentions weren't this way but.. too much things happened in my life for me to risk anything more. & those words were a lil bit too much for me to bear. Its not Loneliness that am scared of. Its the i'm-gonna-lose-u-over-something-that's-gonna-do-with-ur-nature that I now fear..
Daddy & mommy never gave up on me.. Never stopped caring.. I think.. I am too used to ppl not giving up on me no matter what.. & that's the only thing that convinced me they love me.. & i hate to say this but i expect from u the same thing.. I dun xpect it if i make a big major one like cheating on u or even go near to those working lifestyle.. But.. I dunno.. I dunno what else am suppose to think of now.. Its just.. Sad.. *sobs*......