not much today

It was raining. & its pretty much thundering around right now. Sadly, no wind.

It's effin hot right now. I can't stand it. 

& i am having flu. Ask me how i get it.

I don't know how.

But I know it maybe due to lack of sleep past few days. 

4 am plus sleep. Woke up 9 or 10 plus and finally got up by 11am.

& after that activities which requires less or no sleep. Freak.

My nose keeps running to God knows where. & i am trying to like catch it. ARGHHH!

I love aaron. I told u. No matter how dumb,bad,mean,irrational/unreasonable i am, he never fail to say he still loves me in the midst of me hurting him. I dunno.. I love him so much because of that. His patience. I love love love him a lot. I'm sorry baby...Aarghh...

I HAVE TO GO TO E FREAKIN DOC TMR. Arghh.. I so need whatever medication. &#@$*%&#@%!!!!!!

I still dunno who that person is. & am still gonna search for that bastard.

iNa

Reprogram my mind

I have to come to terms of certain things in my life.

For I realise that I am always the one who try my very best and till the very end to emotionally support someone. & I will never give up on that.

But when I think it over.. Is it fair? That in turn, drowned in my own probs, to be supporting my ownself with my unstable emotions? I don't really call this complaining but.. how much more can me, ina, who is weak and all bear this? I am pretty much known to be emotional.. but somehow i pulled through after weeks & months of reprogramming my head. To stop being there for someone who can't be there for me. I don't know..

U know what hurts me most? When u said, "I have enough of everything, as its going to fast.. I cant feel anything anymore. I'm sorry i cant share with u ur problems.." 

Hell. It striked so hard that another guy i devote myself to cant really be there be there. Because he cant take it that everything's too hard for him.  & how abt me? Ok wait. I KNOW . I KNOW u lost someone. I know very deeply. If its not because I don't live with her, it would be she's to be my mother in law! & i have to come to terms whereby i dun have a mother in law's doteness, or how other people normally go through! 

& me? I'm just another pathetic girl. Who gave everything i could.. who.. is currently emotionally drained. Who has some internal problems. Who now.. came to terms whereby she will always be alone. 

I don't know what else to say. I'm so out of words. Sobs....

iNa

Things are not meant to be told

At times there are things that's best left unknown.

Be it emotions, or how honest you wanna be to them.

I mean don't get me wrong, everyone has their own reasons in keeping them in the bag and stuff. & most of the reason for me is to protect the one you love. 

As my policy goes, what they don't know won't hurt. I don't know. Sigh...

Some ass went to me & my lil sis frenster profile. The person right clicked on our photos, (1 each) and emailed it to my dad. Fortunately my parents are the kind who dun mind and find it natural but they are not happy that small things are becoming big. Stupid ass hole fucker. Family wrecker. I fucking hate that ass. I mean like what's the person's motive? Argh. Whatever.

What things are there out for me this year?!! HUH?!! I am feeling so stressed up, Fed up, pissed & God knows what else!!!!

iNa

Late Night.

I know it is late in the morning/night now..

But it's always around this time that I just have to feel in the pits.

To feel it when friends are resting, boyfie's tryna have a peaceful mind.. When family's snoring away... & me? Reminiscing those times when I have someone to talk to when am alone.. to sing to.. to dote on.. to show how much i love.. It's so..... 

different now... Like, an empty hole. & filling that empty hole is my boyfriend but.. its not satisfied yet. Or never will..

It feels different, not to get nauseated at anything. It feels different to be walking properly again.. It feels different that am startin to get vain again.. It feels different to be back in the i am a teen turning to the '-2wenties-' soon from beinh a mature lady that has a lot of things to think about.. It feels different to not have it anymore... 

It gives me a sad feeling. It always attack me the least expected moments. Its weird that people can take it like nothin happened. It's frustrating to discuss about it over & over when they know my reasons. 

It's just stressful that I don't feel like this is me. My body feels like its having lots of complications and I don't feel my old Azwina anymore. I feel like am Azwina whereby being Azwina the way people want and expect me to be. Not what I want to be. 

I have all the worse reasons in the world to be hating my life. But, I find it pretty much.. fed up and tired to be catching up on what they want. Maybe I'm not grateful? But I feel deep down.. my problem is I don't know who i love? I mean put aside my boyfriend. This has nothing to do with him. I just cant explain that phrase. Maybe mom & dad has been working. We only communicate during weekends and in the evening. But am mostly doing my own work. I cant do anything much eventually. 

Am so exhausted. My brain keeps working. & i cant even sleep now. I feel pathetic, inferiored. 

& i kinda notice.. mommy favours lil sis more.. I dunno if its just my imagination.. But .. part of me thinks am slowly gonna fade away from my family.. Part of me now feels different. Like I have a family but its because they're family that I still live under them. & I am just scared...

That slowly i'm gonna start feelin that I just don't belong in them anymore...

& now am feelin so lost.. & hurt.. for something so baseless..

iNa

ECP outing

i know. my stomach bloats cause of the food -.- p.s i'm blading. cant seeeeee

On the way :D

Agenda for the day:

Wake up in the morning like around 8.00 AM.

& only started getting ready around 9 plus.

& baby boy came to my place around 11 plus to eat mom's fried rice (god knows how he has to 'tahan' with the bland taste >.<).

So we set out around 12 plus i think. But I had to buy my shades first cause I figured I lost mine. After shopping for what we want, then we headed out. While halfway in the 966 bus, mom called me and asked how in the world my lil bro gonna come home when he dun have e key. I was kinda pissed cause there were 2 extra keys at home and none of them took the key. & so we stopped somwhere near thomson rd i think, and baby handed the key to mom. 

The day was so effin hot that by the time we reached MacD at ECP, I was already sweating. & stinky. After food, we rented skates & bicycle. It was really hot! Oh i had blisters because of the new slippers. !@$#@5!

So since the last time I blade was God knows how long. I was so wobbly, boyfie had to like support me. But after awhile, some warm ups and tightening  of the stupid blade I could just blade a bit faster. Boyfie kept commenting on the guys who looked at me when they pass us. I mean like DUH, guys look at girls. Boyfie kept saying how obvious the guys looked. I was really like, it doesnt matter cause im with him and not them. It was partly romantic and fun cause while blading/cycling, we kissed/pecked, hug, held hands. Hahahaha. It's my ever first time doing that. Sigh~

Then after 1 hour plus, we went to take stroll near e waters. It was so fun. & relaxing. Been a long time. & we camwhored. Around 6  or so we took bus 135 to go to AMK. Buy his Wii and ate there & to his home where all the fun started & didnt really ended fun and home. Oh no.

NOt yet. Dad fetched me and we went to get supper at Sembawang. Then home :D

& baby boy's stressed up. Muah..

iNa