not much today

It was raining. & its pretty much thundering around right now. Sadly, no wind.

It's effin hot right now. I can't stand it. 

& i am having flu. Ask me how i get it.

I don't know how.

But I know it maybe due to lack of sleep past few days. 

4 am plus sleep. Woke up 9 or 10 plus and finally got up by 11am.

& after that activities which requires less or no sleep. Freak.

My nose keeps running to God knows where. & i am trying to like catch it. ARGHHH!

I love aaron. I told u. No matter how dumb,bad,mean,irrational/unreasonable i am, he never fail to say he still loves me in the midst of me hurting him. I dunno.. I love him so much because of that. His patience. I love love love him a lot. I'm sorry baby...Aarghh...

I HAVE TO GO TO E FREAKIN DOC TMR. Arghh.. I so need whatever medication. &#@$*%&#@%!!!!!!

I still dunno who that person is. & am still gonna search for that bastard.

iNa

Reprogram my mind

I have to come to terms of certain things in my life.

For I realise that I am always the one who try my very best and till the very end to emotionally support someone. & I will never give up on that.

But when I think it over.. Is it fair? That in turn, drowned in my own probs, to be supporting my ownself with my unstable emotions? I don't really call this complaining but.. how much more can me, ina, who is weak and all bear this? I am pretty much known to be emotional.. but somehow i pulled through after weeks & months of reprogramming my head. To stop being there for someone who can't be there for me. I don't know..

U know what hurts me most? When u said, "I have enough of everything, as its going to fast.. I cant feel anything anymore. I'm sorry i cant share with u ur problems.." 

Hell. It striked so hard that another guy i devote myself to cant really be there be there. Because he cant take it that everything's too hard for him.  & how abt me? Ok wait. I KNOW . I KNOW u lost someone. I know very deeply. If its not because I don't live with her, it would be she's to be my mother in law! & i have to come to terms whereby i dun have a mother in law's doteness, or how other people normally go through! 

& me? I'm just another pathetic girl. Who gave everything i could.. who.. is currently emotionally drained. Who has some internal problems. Who now.. came to terms whereby she will always be alone. 

I don't know what else to say. I'm so out of words. Sobs....

iNa

Things are not meant to be told

At times there are things that's best left unknown.

Be it emotions, or how honest you wanna be to them.

I mean don't get me wrong, everyone has their own reasons in keeping them in the bag and stuff. & most of the reason for me is to protect the one you love. 

As my policy goes, what they don't know won't hurt. I don't know. Sigh...

Some ass went to me & my lil sis frenster profile. The person right clicked on our photos, (1 each) and emailed it to my dad. Fortunately my parents are the kind who dun mind and find it natural but they are not happy that small things are becoming big. Stupid ass hole fucker. Family wrecker. I fucking hate that ass. I mean like what's the person's motive? Argh. Whatever.

What things are there out for me this year?!! HUH?!! I am feeling so stressed up, Fed up, pissed & God knows what else!!!!

iNa

Late Night.

I know it is late in the morning/night now..

But it's always around this time that I just have to feel in the pits.

To feel it when friends are resting, boyfie's tryna have a peaceful mind.. When family's snoring away... & me? Reminiscing those times when I have someone to talk to when am alone.. to sing to.. to dote on.. to show how much i love.. It's so..... 

different now... Like, an empty hole. & filling that empty hole is my boyfriend but.. its not satisfied yet. Or never will..

It feels different, not to get nauseated at anything. It feels different to be walking properly again.. It feels different that am startin to get vain again.. It feels different to be back in the i am a teen turning to the '-2wenties-' soon from beinh a mature lady that has a lot of things to think about.. It feels different to not have it anymore... 

It gives me a sad feeling. It always attack me the least expected moments. Its weird that people can take it like nothin happened. It's frustrating to discuss about it over & over when they know my reasons. 

It's just stressful that I don't feel like this is me. My body feels like its having lots of complications and I don't feel my old Azwina anymore. I feel like am Azwina whereby being Azwina the way people want and expect me to be. Not what I want to be. 

I have all the worse reasons in the world to be hating my life. But, I find it pretty much.. fed up and tired to be catching up on what they want. Maybe I'm not grateful? But I feel deep down.. my problem is I don't know who i love? I mean put aside my boyfriend. This has nothing to do with him. I just cant explain that phrase. Maybe mom & dad has been working. We only communicate during weekends and in the evening. But am mostly doing my own work. I cant do anything much eventually. 

Am so exhausted. My brain keeps working. & i cant even sleep now. I feel pathetic, inferiored. 

& i kinda notice.. mommy favours lil sis more.. I dunno if its just my imagination.. But .. part of me thinks am slowly gonna fade away from my family.. Part of me now feels different. Like I have a family but its because they're family that I still live under them. & I am just scared...

That slowly i'm gonna start feelin that I just don't belong in them anymore...

& now am feelin so lost.. & hurt.. for something so baseless..

iNa

ECP outing

i know. my stomach bloats cause of the food -.- p.s i'm blading. cant seeeeee

On the way :D

Agenda for the day:

Wake up in the morning like around 8.00 AM.

& only started getting ready around 9 plus.

& baby boy came to my place around 11 plus to eat mom's fried rice (god knows how he has to 'tahan' with the bland taste >.<).

So we set out around 12 plus i think. But I had to buy my shades first cause I figured I lost mine. After shopping for what we want, then we headed out. While halfway in the 966 bus, mom called me and asked how in the world my lil bro gonna come home when he dun have e key. I was kinda pissed cause there were 2 extra keys at home and none of them took the key. & so we stopped somwhere near thomson rd i think, and baby handed the key to mom. 

The day was so effin hot that by the time we reached MacD at ECP, I was already sweating. & stinky. After food, we rented skates & bicycle. It was really hot! Oh i had blisters because of the new slippers. !@$#@5!

So since the last time I blade was God knows how long. I was so wobbly, boyfie had to like support me. But after awhile, some warm ups and tightening  of the stupid blade I could just blade a bit faster. Boyfie kept commenting on the guys who looked at me when they pass us. I mean like DUH, guys look at girls. Boyfie kept saying how obvious the guys looked. I was really like, it doesnt matter cause im with him and not them. It was partly romantic and fun cause while blading/cycling, we kissed/pecked, hug, held hands. Hahahaha. It's my ever first time doing that. Sigh~

Then after 1 hour plus, we went to take stroll near e waters. It was so fun. & relaxing. Been a long time. & we camwhored. Around 6  or so we took bus 135 to go to AMK. Buy his Wii and ate there & to his home where all the fun started & didnt really ended fun and home. Oh no.

NOt yet. Dad fetched me and we went to get supper at Sembawang. Then home :D

& baby boy's stressed up. Muah..

iNa

Add in stuff

Just to add in.

If u notice my posts now will have that 'I LOVE AARON' tag.

Since i am a lazy ass to put 'I love baby' at the end of every posts,

I shall take this shortcut ^.^

Am so efficient. Heh

iNa

CANT WAIT

ROLLERBLADING LATER!!

YAY YAY!
YAY YAY!
YAY YAY!

Now am so tired.

Stomach has been fucked up.

Stupid after effects.

Am i suppose to add in 'I love u baby'?

Heh

iNa

Funny thing

Boyfriend thinks he's 21.

Instead 20.

Talk about being an enthu.

It's not even 2009 yet...

Oh God. I wonder what else he's gonna be enthu about.

iNa

Wth.. Gaah.

Past few days has been hibernating my lappy.

& my blogger home hasn't been disconnected at all.

Talk about not safe.

Went to doctor again today. Some follow ups check ups.

It was ok i guess. I have iron tablet. & some other nonsense stuffs.

I am missing him badly. I have no idea why ok? Lately he is just filling up my brain. I don't know if its e mating season syndrome or its just the 'im gonna miss u if u go NS and even ur still not in NS am already going crazy' syndrome going on. Seriously, its not good? For I have my papers still to think about. But with what shits I went thru past week was.. Unavoidable.

Just msged him (he's working) but still no reply. HAIYAH. I AM BORED. & I can't wait for Friday. I really wanna go roller blading on Friday. Too bad I cant ask Shir along after her incident of nearly being robbed. Well She was kicked and punched and she cant even recognise the attacker. Asshole Apek. She's shaken & feeling sore(Duh).

Hershey just got spayed. She really looks pitiful & not very active. 

I wanna marry him(embarassing..). Mom & Dad wants me to marry him in 3 years. I find that IMPOSSIBLE. For i can only marry him in 5 years time (I DO NOT WANT UNDER BLOCK weddings). Neither does he. I mean like. Chinese weddings are expensive. He needs to chip in too u know! Oh & when am gonna have a wedding, am just restricting to 200 guests!  Hell with those I do not know :).

I have not much of rants today for there's nothin much to rant about. Ok.

iNa

Bulging tummy Day

Met baby again today. Was to go out with mom but it was only for awhile.

So we met & we went to eat at Pasta Mania. I didn't finish my food. I feel bad.

Baby paid for almost everything today. I only chipped in like 10 bucks for our Arcade (that'll come later.)

So we wanted to game at his house but he has to act as if he's working. So in the end we planned to go Arcade. Wanted to go to Lot 1's but Lot 1's under construction. So we decided to go to Causeway Point's. I was wearing something that makes my rockmelons look like spilling out. I regret wearing it like seriously. So we went Arcade. We used up at least, almost $30 altogether. Hahahaa. We played Housed of the Dead 4, Time Crisis 3 & 4 & some shooting game and that get the doll game( i have no idea what is the right name).  It was fun & tiring for am short. Time Crisis suck. Cause when I tried to tilt e bloody gun up, it doesn't shoot a thing. So i have to like elevate my hand in the most awkward position. So most of my shooting i aim at their legs. HAHAHA. 

Then we went to buy my cat's carrier. Its darn cheap. They're having some kind of sale so its  $22.50. It's kinda cute ^.^ & after that we went to Gelare to eat waffle ice cream. In the end, we ordered our own so called main dishes and waffle :D I SO LOVE EATING WITH HIM.  I ate Club Gelare sandwich i think. Its not that huge but its pretty fulfilling. So after that HOME. Hanged around for awhile, & home :) I really enjoyed today cause its food & GAMES!!!

I can't wait for Friday...*cheeky*

p.s I'll put pics when baby's done with them -.-

iNa

Things of Why I Love Him.

I've been thinking about baby boyy Past 48 hours (& still counting) or so.. I've been thinking of what my mom said to me about if I am playing his heart or not.. Obvious answer: big fat NO.

For in everything i am very grateful, God made us meet.

For in him, I will state what I LOVE about him..

* HE is cute. Maybe not to some people, but I really don't care.

* He is innocent. Which makes it am his ferst gf. & this makes me feel very secure because he has no histories of many fucks or touched any other boobs or God knows what.

* He respects me in a lot of ways. He NEVER once raise his voice on me (for me its e other way round) & he never hurt me physically nor emotionally.

* He has this sub conscious ways of him that I find him cute. Like poking straws on his teeth after food or just during drinks.

* He has this goofy laugh when I say something cheeky.

* He isn't all about the sex.

* He looks in my eyes when he says he loves me. & only hug me after 5 secs of looking at me.

* He never fail to look longingly at me(which is not comfy at times for am shy) and with that 'i cant stop lookin at ur gorgeous face' look' which makes me squirm.

* He said he finds me beautiful no matter how unkempt my hair was/is. Or how my bad pimples are really showing out (ouch).

* He never sweet talk. I swear. & i love it.

* He trust me. He treats me as his fren, his wife & am like his all.

* He always let me win in an argument.

* He's really patient. & never fights back when am moody/irrational/unreasonable.

* He's really open and we can always  talk about anything in the world. From our smelly armpits(LOL) to ________.(fill in ur own imagination).

* He loves my fat tummy. 

God. I can still go on. I'll stop here first till i can think of what to add in :)

I so love him.

iNa

Please understand.

You have to understand this.

I am bored.

& later am out to be alone.

& later most prolly I'll go ... KFC & read my story book. Alone. For no one's gonna accompany me as baby boy's sick. So I shall let him rest.

& most prolly i'll munch on the cheese fries. & i love KFC's ice tea. So i should drink ice tea. Then maybe after that i'll go Sheng Siong to buy Jack & Jill's potato chips (with the amount of potatoes i'm eating, I swear i am doubling the chances of getting cancer pretty high) & my Green Tea & ... God knows what else.

Then I shall call someone to fetch me home.

p.s Lil sis is taking her time in e loo. I hate it! I want the loo!!

iNa

New Template

Yay! I got a new template now.

Spent 1 hour plus just tryna get e layouts right. 

(thou still some are not right)

But whatever it is...

It's very simple & neat this time for I am too lazy to fancy it all around.

Plus I can't think of any suitable words or bground to go with.

:D

& yeah. Enjoy :D

Fulfilled ..pretty much..

Like at last.. 

We met :D

I so miss him a lot & God knows how much.

It was simple. Just went out to get my cravings first and that is Orange julius and those hot dogs. I ordered twice. SO the guy behind the counter was giving this 'God u eat a lot' kinda look. I was pretty embarrassed but i just couldn't care less cause I was really hungry.

Baby boy is sick. So after that I accompanied him to the clinic at Marsiling. it's a sunday. Polyclinics were closed. Well everything costs quite an amount haa..

So after that, we head to Lot 1 to eat something proper. I didn't even finish my meal >.>...

Then headed to his place to watch Jumper. It's a boring and predictable movie. I didn't really like it. And snoozed after that. Woke up to watch Step up 2. & e usual. I just wanted to watch e dance and not the whole show. It's as usual predictable. Then I taught him how to grind. It's pretty funny actually. He blackmailed me sayiong he's gonna go clubbing to try those moves. Well i threatened him I'll do the same with other guys. Haa.. 

We then felt hungry. Went to the nearest MacD around his area and ate. & I went back by cab. 1 hour after reaching home, I was hungry again. I really like the day yesterday. Cause I didn't even physically abuse him. ^.^

My rockmelons are really too big for me -.-'

iNa

Haunting Nightmare

Feelings of guilt, confusion, pain, anger, hatred, miss - all in one.

Separated I am feeling.

Alienated from the rest of the world.

Misunderstood for my feelings.

Sacrificed something I love for those whom I care.

Broken, bruised, scarred... Is what I am now..

For no one knows what I am going through.

For those who knows aren't in my position.

For those who don't know will think am fine.

For those who don't know what happened thinks I'm fine.

And I find my life pretty much pointless at this stage.

Not empty for I have people by my side, I have studies to finish up.

For i find that my life is just to satisfy others. Or I find life is just to think about others and not really one self. 

For once when I knew, i was happy. In doubt but glad & joyous. For the hardship that i went through was with meaning. 

& now... emptiness.. Easy way out.. 

I can't rely on my bf too much to support me mentally or morally. He don't understand. Or maybe he does. But the feeling of it is... Worlds apart. I can't rely on my girls much for they have their own lives. They helped me.. 

But I chose because of those I care. & is it justifiable? It maybe to some..

To me.. It just left me a permanent scar. Something i'll remember forever. I do not know if i'll forgive. But I know i'll never forget. They care. But part of me thinks I shouldn't have decided on it. But what can i do?

Friends told me to stand. I could. Even they told me what's my choice. But I love them. The dilemma there. Brought me to tears of my decision I couldn't even say it.

Night after night.. I cried.. till I fall asleep. Or I just lay awake after cryin hoping I am not gonna dream of it. I sing, talk, all  night long... Like I'm losing my mind.. 

For I think my sanity is slowly fading.. 

The scar's near. It's so near to my heart.. 

God. Please tell me. How am I to contain this hurt...? When I feel like I'm the only person in this world carrying this feelings? 

Please help me... Someone...

*Depressed*

iNa

Numb

I don't wish to talk about today. 

:) Am fine though.

Oh well I am bored right now.

I am trying to find things to do. maybe i'll check around youtube or something.

Because bf is practically obsessed with his new PC. & I am finding it irritating with him goin on & on with Spore. Fuck with SPORE. ARGH!

I get so easily irritated by him at times I have no idea why. BUT I SO LOVE HIM. 

Tell me about it.  -Now talking to him on the phone and he's still raving about that stupid SPORE! WTF?!!!-

I can't believe i'm gonna be stuck with him for the rest till God knows when. Oh am not regretting. Just that I have not been complaining. & i am feeling like one rabbling bitch so i just need to say something out. Like i said. I AM BORED.

Love you.. 

Love you...~|~

iNa

& so...

Got to a decision.

What happens, happen.

I so need starfruit juice now. I like it. Sour :D

I miss bf badly. We just met just now. For like 2 hours. Only.

I was yearning for him. Now still am. Sigh..

Mom & dad being nice to me i guess.. House work I was to sweep. Instead of mop. Haha

Mom so understood me.

Life is pretty mono. Wake up eat sleep. now that am not working anymore. School's study period. & nothing much i could do at home just hoping there's food around. & am still not fat. Bf keeps telling me to download that Spore game thingy. E game isn't even released yet. Only that creature maker thingy. I will download it much later. LAZY . 

I am still craving for banana milk shake and hot dogs. Am seriously gonna make a trip to Orange Julius which is just 10 mins away. AAARGHHH!! I WANT BANANA MILK SHAKE!!!!! I can't eat cheese. Cheese makes me vomit nowadays.I vomited cream of mushroom thats mixed with cheese the other day. E vomit wasn't nice cause i don't even know if it was cheese or vomit. I am also craving for Carl's Jr chilli corned beef with fries (i think thats wad its called). I can't wait for my nausea to go off. I swear. Because it is very bad whereby i CAN end up vomiting everything i eat. 

Argh.. Baby.. Hurry bathe! I AM BORED!!

iNa

Make me laugh someone.

It's already the middle of June.

& so many things happened.

1st: It isn't about my boyfriend. He is as good at decent as always.

To those who knew. & if ur reading this. I CAN'T keep.

It's saddening enough. Details. Ask my boyfriend.

Oh my birthday celebration was just ok.

Nothing special. But I want to thank to those who celebrated it with me. Well I had 3 celebrations. Haha. Thanks to: baby, hui2,ryan, Qiu yan, alex, andy, eugene, my family, shir & syasya :) Thanks a million. 

I have nothing much to say just that I'm still pretty weak. I can't stand staring into e laptop too much. Argh.

iNa

New phone

I bought a new phone.

Something not really worth mentioning.

Haha. Cause its K810i

I know la pathetic but still.....


There is this one word that has always described what I felt lately.
'Loneliness'.


If I were to define it..

I don't know what.
I have family.
I have friends.
I have a bf.

But i'm still lonely.
Because. I'm just going thru this alone i guess.

Sigh.. Need my med already.

Oh yeah.. I love Shirin & Syasya.
I miss my ulu friends... :)
& i miss his mom....

iNa

Confusion

I..
hope what I am doing is right.

I don't know if he's ready. I just feel like he's not.
Am i expecting too much?
Or do i actually have e right to expect too much?

With all after what he'd gone thru..
I know I have to give him a lot of moral support.

Am i giving enough? Or am still lacking?

I just feel like I am scared I couldn't keep up with it..
Because of what I am now..
I am gettin so emotionally exhausted.
& mentally as well.

I have no idea what am i suppose to do.

I feel like am alone. And the only one going thru what I'm going thru..

It's not about being sick of being there for him.. it's about something else..

Everything I do takes a lot of me to do it.
With no one knows or even some knew they have no idea of what i'm going thru.

I am feeling in the pits now.
If it really is a wrong turn.. I may not know what am capable of doing...........

iNa